• Tracey N. Bonner

Become the LOVE You Seek!

So I ran across this video and couldn't help but think that this message sounds familiar. As you all know, I have embarked on this journey of self love and self improvement and it's been full of surprises. I really thought it would be easy but just like anything worth having it takes a lot of work. Ladies, there are days that I just don't feel good enough or pretty enough or accomplished enough but there are more days where I recognize that I am growing and learning to love the ME I've become. I am embracing where I am right now. I may not have the ideal career or ideal relationship but I have ME!

Now, this hasn't been as easy as I make it sound. Here's the thing, I never dreamt that I'd move from Chicago, a place where I had established a name for myself in the theatre/acting community. I was very comfortable in my career. I'm not famous,


y any means but I was working and able to provide a stable life for myself, well as table as an acting career could provide. Let me be honest, there were many occasions where I felt like throwing in the towel because I wasn't booking. AND when it came to my dating life, I was also VERY HAPPY. I was in a relationship that I was soooo certain was the one that would take me off the market "for good". I thought I had found my soul mate. But unfortunately life has a way of showing you who's boss and at any given moment all you've built can come crumbling down. The gigs stopped coming in, my relationship abruptly hit a dead end street, and some of my closest friends walked away. This was a time in my life where I felt my lowest. I did all the things I was told...I set goals, had high expectations, and treated others they way I desired to be treated (so I thought). I was on the road to having the career of my dreams and the relationships that would sustain me.

Well, that didn't exactly happen. I mean, I'm learning to be content with the woman I've become now but it has come with its number of setbacks. I cannot tell you how many nights I've had to sleep with the lights on because I couldn't stand to be alone. What am I, 5 years old or something? I can't begin to count the number of NO's I was given from casting directors, agents, and theatres. See, I was raised that if I got on my knees and prayed, went to church and repented, loved others, and worked hard that all my troubles would go away. Well, I'm here to tell you that prayer, counseling, friends, and family haven't completely fixed my problems. It's helped but the anxiety of not being in a stable career and not having a companion to share my life with has taken its emotional toll. There were months that I cried everyday. There were weeks where I walked around with this dark cloud over my head. There were days where my friends shut doors in my face. Talk about feeling the heaviness of loneliness. But after some self evaluation I realized that I was in control of the loneliness and fear and once I made up in my mind that I needed to make some positive life changes things started to turn around. I somehow found a way to wake up every day with a new outlook on life. Even on my darkest days I managed to see the sun when it rained. I changed the way I thought about myself and boy did that make a difference.

Today I'm grateful to still have support from some old friends and have met some new friends who are as equally supportive. My family helps to keep me motivated. And the fact that I'm still a working actress is edifying. It truly feeds my soul. See, I've slowly discovered that it starts with my outlook on life. I started to believe that what we pour out into the Universe comes back to us. I know that, in time, I will reap the harvest that I have so diligently planted but I cannot lie to you and tell you my patience hasn't run thin or that my sanity hasn't been compromised. But I will say that I'm one day closer to becoming the love I seek and it's an awesomely rewarding feeling!

So I want to encourage you to continue to work on being a better you, a healthier you, a happier you by surrounding yourself with people who love you, things you enjoy doing, and thoughts that uplift you. Becoming the love you seek is a choice. It's easier for some and for others it takes bumping your head a few times to come to that realization. Remember, you have the power to control your destiny so don't let the negative stuff that comes your way determine your outlook on your life and who you have the potential to become!!! So in the meantime in between time...DateYourselfGirl!!!

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