• Tracey Bonner

Men Lie, Women Lie...But Why?

Why do WE lie so much? I've had to ask myself that question for most of my life. Ever since I was a teenager I grew accustomed to stretching the truth just a little...well...alot! It all stemmed from me needing approval from my parents and acceptance from my peers. You know, a little lie here or there would keep me out of trouble with my parents and make me look cool in front of my peers.

Now that I'm older I try to be as open and honest as possible, within reason. I do believe there are some things that shouldn't be shared until you have developed a strong enough bond with someone to the point of absolute trust. There's nothing worse than entrusting someone with something and they betray you by telling others or using it against you. Anywho, since I have been in the dating game for so long, I've encountered countless untruths from those of the opposite sex. From the tiniest of white lie to the most colossal untruth imaginable. You name it, it's been done to me. I remember catching planes back and forth to Texas to visit the man that I just knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with only to find out that he was cheating on me. And not with just one woman, but THREE other women. Even when I had the proof of his infidelity he would look me dead in my eye sockets and flat out LIE! I gave him a second chance because in my mind we were in a long distance relationship and neither of us were really making the effort to make the relationship secure. AND I believe that we all make mistakes and deserve a second chance to right our wrongs. So, I took it upon myself to make even more of an effort to see him as often as I could and communicate daily and do special things for him to let him know I was in it for the long haul. But all of my efforts were in vein because he cheated AGAIN! Now that I think about it, I was being stupid for love. I mean, HE should've been the one putting in all the effort since HE was the one who screwed up. But that's a blog for another day.

After that failed relationship was all said and done, I couldn't help but laugh at the situation but I would often question, "WHY"? What did I do to deserve this treatment? Was I not established enough? Well that couldn't be it because I was footing the bill for most of the relationship. Was I not attractive enough? Well we all know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and to be quite honest I believe I'm an attractive woman so that couldn't be the case. Did I not encourage him enough? Well now that cannot be the case either because I would always send him inspirational cards, quotes, texts, sermons, and would give him daily affirmations to get him through his darkest moments. I believe in keeping your mate uplifted so that definitely wasn't the case. Now that I look back on that whole relationship, I have come to the realization that I was being pimped. Not in the literal sense but in the figurative sense. He was getting all that he needed from me like money, gifts, trips, sex, etc. all the while I was getting nothing in return. I bet he thought he was the prize in this situation but now that it's all over I can't help but thank the Lord above that he is no longer MY headache but now his wife's headache.

Which leads me to my next question. Why do men (and women) get into serious relationships and still have other "Situationships" on the side? I have a male friend that I've hung out with a couple times even went on a date with him but after some lengthy phone conversations we both realized we were better off as friends. He'd call to check on me from time to time and we'd have wonderful conversations that ALWAYS ended with flirtatious innuendos and conversations about how attracted he was to me. But with him having a girlfriend I would always let him know where I stood. He was the "homie" and "friendzoned" he would forever be. But I couldn't help but to feel some kind of way when I saw him post that he had proposed to his girlfriend just 3 weeks after he sent me a penis pic and some naughty text messages. I would let him know that I respected his girlfriend and that if he was my man I wouldn't like for him to have these inappropriate conversations with other women. Our last encounter was when he did something kind for me. I should've known a "Thank You" wouldn't suffice. I should've known that he would expect "Something" in return for his kindness. I can't remember the last time someone did something for me and didn't expect something back in return so why would this be any different? After inappropriate texts telling me that I could thank him by "Puttin' it on him" or "Tell me you don't miss me" or my personal favorite "Now you just need to sit on me"! HUH??? Was he serious? YES HE WAS! I began to get really annoyed. No matter how many times I said NO he thought that somehow I'd give in.

Well, I blame this NON-COMMITTAL, anything goes society for his behavior. We now live in a time where telling a white lie or being deceptive is okay. Recently, I withheld the truth from someone and it cost me the ideal mate. I was so afraid of telling this truth to him that when I eventually told him he was no longer a fan of mine. He was still cordial but wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. I was DEVASTATED to say the least. Lost sleep, wasn't eating, crying, and wasn't fully functioning at my best. I felt like I had lost out the chance to FINALLY be with someone that I had great chemistry with, shared the same values, and who made me feel special. It had been years since someone made me feel that way and the thought of losing it made me ill. But going through it made me reconsider the truth and what's acceptable to tell right away, what's acceptable to tell in time, and what should never be withheld. So why do we lie or withhold the truth? For some of us it's a game to see how much we can get away with because the truth may keep us from getting what we want, how we want it, and when we want it. I call that being SELFISH!!! For others of us, it is out of fear of missing the opportunity to be with someone amazing because our truth has made us feel less than or not good enough or shameful or undeserving. Either case, at some point we must come to terms with who we really want to be because if we accept the truth about ourselves then others have no choice but to accept it. But it gives the other person the opportunity to make that choice. So until you're completely ready to be honest with yourself and others, you must take the the necessary steps to get your house in order. This is accomplished by doing some self evaluation, self examination, self healing, self forgiving and of course SELF LOVING!!! And always remember to...DateYourselfGirl!!!

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