Afraid to Love Again
It's my favorite time of the year...Christmas Time! The Holidays have always been a highlight in my life and as I've gotten older they begin to mean even more because it's the one time of the year that my family and I get together and just really enjoy each other's company. We count all of our blessings for the year and genuinely try to make each other happy. But I can't lie, as much as I love the Holidays, they are just a reminder that yet another year has gone by without being able to share my joy with a significant other. I guess you can say it's a bittersweet time of the year. As you all know, I have been single for almost 4 years now and have spent a large chunk of that time, 3 YEARS to be exact, healing from my last relationship. I've spent so much time crying and feeling depressed because I didn't think I'd find another man who would love and accept all that came with me. There are so many layers to loving me that it takes a very strong, secure person to jump into these waters. I'm not that woman that walks around flaunting her independence so you won't see me singing "I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T." every day but I do have a strong presence and it sometimes comes off as if I don't need a man. See the problem isn't that I don't need a man, it's that I've gone so long with fending for myself and taking care of others that I don't recognize when it's time to relinquish all the responsibilities. And to be honest no man has ever made me feel like I could depend on his support so it's hard to share the responsibilities in a relationship. Quite honestly, the only thing a man ever really made feel good enough for was money, food, and sex. The men I've dated in the past haven't taken a genuine interest in my career nor do they really want to understand what and why I've chosen to do what I do. They don't engage in those everyday conversations where I get to reveal those things that make me so driven. And I get self-conscious about the fact that I get excited over the little things and truly enjoy LIFE. It's been hard to develop a "REAL" relationship and very disheartening.
Recently I met a man that I instantly fell for. The connection was so immediate that if felt like a tsunami rushed in and drowned my heart with love. He wasn't really my type so I knew it was real. He was all of 5'7, which is short for me, and a little rounder than I normally date. But he was oh so handsome, funny, charismatic, and driven. His smile was wide and bright and had this dimple that was so deep that I could swim in it. He knew the way to my heart and that was definitely through acts of kindness, quality time, food, and gut wrenching laughter. The connection was so strong that I felt like our hearts would beat in tandem. He really complimented me in a way that no one has ever before and in such a short period of time. Let's just say he was EVERYTHING so let's just call him "Mr. EVERYTHING". But as quick as I fell for him the quicker it fizzled. It was time to have those serious conversations. You know the ones that reveal who you are...a peeling of the layers so to speak. Boy did he quickly abandon ship and I immediately went into self destruction mode. I was constantly telling myself I wasn't worthy of being loved because of my past, wasn't valuable enough to be accepted for who I am, and wouldn't be able to sustain a healthy relationship because I just wasn't good enough. The pain was deep and still is very hard for me to release. He was everything I prayed for. We even prayed together and that is something that I definitely wasn't used to. I felt like I finally had a true "Soul-Mate". But what does that really mean? I'm still trying to figure that one out.
Well, here I am again picking up the pieces of yet another failed attempt at love and honestly I'm not sure if my heart can take anymore abandonment and disappointment. All I've ever wanted was to be truly loved. To be considered a prize and not a possession. To be valued for what I have on the inside and not taken advantage of for what men think I have to offer on the outside. I know you're saying, "You should value yourself before anyone else does." But I do see the value in me and believe I am a great catch...with a few flaws here and there. But who doesn't? I guess I'm going to have to continue to wait on love and trust that there is a special someone out there who won't be afraid to put in the effort to truly get to know me. I am a hidden gem waiting to be discovered. So this Holiday I just might ask Santa for that special someone to come into my life so I can share these Holidays and special moments with. Maybe...just maybe next year might be the year that I get to share a kiss, with the man God has in store for me, under the mistletoe. But until then, I will continue to love myself with all that I have and of course Date Myself. Ya'll Have a Merry Christmas and a very prosperous New Year Ladies and continue to do the work by becoming the love you seek...And of course DATEYOURSELFGIRL!!!