• Tracey N. Bonner

One IS the Loneliest Number

I know, I know...It's been a couple months since I posted a blog. But I told myself that it was okay because I have really been focusing on my acting career and philanthropic endeavors. But the truth is I have developed what I am calling a DateYourselfGirl writer's block. It has been a struggle for me to write inspirational words for my constituents because I haven’t been so inspirational for myself. To be quite honest DateYourselfGirl has been the ultimate struggle for me, over the past few years. Being single isn't as enjoyable as I portray it to be. I know what you're thinking, "Being single is supposed to be the best part of your life because you have the freedom to do whatever you want. You have free reign over both sides of the bed, you can come and go as you please, drink the juice right out of the carton and put it right back in the fridge, and walk around butt ass can just BE without compromising with another person. Should be fun, right? Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s been an absolutely miserable existence for me and I'm growing impatient with waiting on a more desirable outcome.

According to the Webster Dictionary the definition of Alone is: Separated from others (isolated) and the definition of Lonely is: sad from being alone (lonesome). Well, I'm here to confess something that many may find to be hard to believe...I made a recent Instagram post about having a bad day and one of my followers responded, "I be thinking all your days are good." My response to that is that we all want to show the world the best parts of ourselves and social media is the perfect platform to show our followers how great we are. No one wants to be known as the "Debbie Downer" so we overcompensate by putting out positive energy and positive quotes and pics of us doing positive things. We are told that if we put out positive energy it will return back to us. But what happens when you don't get your desired outcome? How do you cope? Well, for me, it hasn't been easy. I honestly thought DateYourselfGirl would be my way back to healing. Becoming whole again has been my biggest desire. Everyone tells you that the things you desire lie dormant until you are whole and healed so I got on the fast track to becoming whole. But I'm just not there yet.

I know I’ve preached about living life to the fullest, to get edified, re-build your self esteem, and learn ways to love yourself, on a deeper level. But after a four-year transitional period I have hit a stumbling block. I thought by now I would have grown and developed and attracted the kind of love that I desire. I thought by now the man of my dreams would come and sweep me off my feet because of all this "fabulousness" I’ve been living in. But unfortunately that has not been the case. Ok, here's the moment I reveal a secret that I've been holding onto for about 3 years now. Like to hear it, here it go...I am ALONE and LONELY!!! There, I said it! I am afraid to sleep in the dark so I keep a lamp on to keep me company. I fill my days with things to do so I won't be left alone with my thoughts. Every day, for the last six months, I have been plagued by negative thoughts and thoughts of negative behavior and it's all due to the fact that I am lonely...profoundly lonely.

Yes, on the outside I appear to have it all. A seemingly thriving career, close knit family, and tons of friends. But I am NOT HAPPY. I have mastered the art of wearing the mask that grins and lies. See, the reason I am not happy is because the things that I desire the most don't seem within my reach. I know, I know I have so much to be happy and grateful for. AND it's true that my happiness shouldn't be contingent upon my desires being met but I told you this was going to be a confession so that's my truth. See, as I approach 40 the desire to become a wife and mother intensifies. I am haunted by thoughts that this desire will not come to pass. It keeps me up at night and it causes me severe anxiety and stress. I do admit that I have a great life full of excitement and spontaneity but none of that really matters without someone to share it with. I truly miss the days of companionship and consistency. Every now and then I get a glimpse of it and then it’s abruptly taken away, without any rhyme, reason, or explanation. Then I’m left to pick up the piece. I am left trying to figure out where I went wrong or where things went left. Thoughts like maybe I should've called more or I should've been more aggressive or I should've said or done more. Thoughts continuously swirl around in my head of how I could've made the situation better. I'm left beating myself up with thoughts of not being good enough or pretty enough or financially stable enough...just NOT BEING ENOUGH.

Don’t get me wrong men are attracted to me but there has to be something that I 'm doing that's keeping me from having that lasting relationship. And before you start judging me and my line of thinking I have done the work. I've said my daily affirmations, I've done the self-evaluations (check-ins), gone to counseling, prayed until I'm blue in the face, and even changed my approach to dating. I decided that I no longer wanted to lead with physical attraction alone and that there has to be some substance. There has to be consistency, effective communication, and a willingness to get to know each other on a deeper level. But in today's dating climate that seems so difficult and rare to find. Quite frankly, I question if this DateYourselfGirl journey has even been worth it. Seems like a lot of work just to be getting a lot of the same. That light at the end of the tunnel seems further and further away and even more narrow as the days go by. I want DateYourselfGirl to continue to grow and continue inspire but who is here to inspire the person who supposed to be the inspiration? So, ladies and gentlemen, I'm asking for your prayers and positive thoughts as I continue down this journey of self actualization. I want you to know that, I too, go through difficult times and even bouts of depression and I need you just as much as you need me! And I vow to continue to push through no matter how difficult it may get or how dim the light may seem because I believe there is a love out there waiting just for me...the whole ME! So in the meantime, in between time remember to DateYourselfGirl!!!

#lonely #alone


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