Most of you saw the word settle and it set off alarm bells in your mind. I get it. We’ve been told over and over again, “Don’t settle.” Don’t settle for the relationship that isn’t serving you, the job that you’re not passionate about, or the pieces of your life that are just good enough.
But there is something you should settle in. And it’s going to set off alarm bells for you again, so get ready…
It’s time for you to settle in your S.I.N.G.L.E.
Now before you try to argue me down, hear me out. Settle in your single doesn’t mean that you won’t be open to dating or that you won’t find someone. But being single is such a special season that often gets overlooked because we’re too busy out there searching for “The One.”
Sis...you’re the one. Okay? And it’s about time you started treating yourself like it.
We self-sabotage in so many ways and we’ve got to stop. So here, come with me, take a seat, get comfortable, and let me show you the S.I.N.G.L.E we get to settle in.
S: Stop Overthinking
If you’re a newly single person, first of all welcome! Singlehood is bomb! It might not feel like it now, but it will once you stop overanalyzing the relationship you just got out of. It ended. Sorry boo...not to be harsh, but it is what it is.
Everyone and everything has a season and that season ended. Overthinking it is not going to bring them back, it’s not going to make whatever happened between you better or different. It’s not going to change the circumstances (actions possibly could, but not thinking).
And if you’ve been in your singlehood for a while, hey girl hey! Sorry, but you need to stop overthinking too. Stop worrying about when your next relationship will get here, if you’ll find your person, if they are looking for you, if you should be looking for them, how you’ll meet, planning your imaginary wedding for when you do meet, etc. Instead, just enjoy the present. Your overthinking won’t bring them to you faster and it won’t lessen the amount of time you spend in singlehood either.
Overthinking the unknown is anxiety ridden. And no one needs more of that, especially right now.
I: Inner Focus
INNER. Not the surface level stuff. But the deep down dark things that you rarely let others see. You know, those things you don’t want to deal with, the things that are hard to say aloud. I don’t know what your thing is personally, but it’s the patterns that pop up in strange ways--the guilt, the shame, the jealousy, or the anger. Your insecurities or the way you compare yourself to other people. Your perfectionism.
And don’t fool yourself by saying you don’t have these because EVERYONE has something. Addressing it before your next relationship might just be the ticket to a longer lasting one next time. And if it’s not, that’s okay. At a minimum, it will be the key to being happier with yourself.
N:Nix the Negative Talk
We all do it. We say things to ourselves like, “See, this is why you’re single,” “You’re never going to be married,” “Of course they didn’t want me, I’m a mess.” AHT, AHT. No ma’am. Go back to Go, do not collect $200. You’re subconsciously tearing yourself down and honestly just making yourself feel bad for no reason.
More than half the negativity (I might even say 95%) we spew at ourselves is completely false. So quit lying to yourself. Stop it in its tracks. You can use affirmations if that’s your jam, but a simple, “No, I reject that” statement is enough to get your mind and your words back on track.
G: Go to a Professional
Typically, here's where the advice of, “Now you can work on yourself” comes in. Tuh. As if you haven’t been doing that all along. But here, you get to double down and hyperfocus. It’s time to get the help that you’ve needed all along. Need to get your life in order and not sure where to start? See a life coach or a therapist regularly. Is your house a mess? Hire a cleaning service or a professional organizer. Does your health feel off or do you need a fitness goal? Go visit your primary care doctor, hire a trainer, sign up for a class, or get a nutritionist. Are you deep in debt, ready to look into purchasing a home, or want to learn how to invest? Get a trusted financial advisor and/or realtor.
Can you do most of these things on your own? Absolutely. But sometimes seeking out a professional will give you the kick and commitment you were lacking to begin with. Start with just one first and then go from there!
L: Linger in Your Feelings
This one might actually be the hardest if you’re an overachiever like most of us. Let me give you permission. It’s OKAY to mourn a relationship. It’s OKAY to feel sad about not being in a relationship. It’s even OKAY to be angry that it didn’t work out. You know what isn’t okay? Hiding and suppressing all of that.
Now, I’m not saying that you need to walk around mopey all the time, but if one day (or even a couple of days) you decide you want to lie around in your most comfortable pajama set and eat ice cream while you binge watch Netflix and watch rom coms while you’re sad...then do that.
Your feelings are meant to be felt (helloooo feel is in the word!). And giving them the space and time to run their course will do so much better for you than trying to put on a happy face or keeping yourself unnecessarily busy.
Being single gives you the freedom to focus solely on you, but part of that can be spent giving to others. How can you pour into other people? Maybe it’s your time, your energy, ideas, a listening ear. You might decide to devote yourself to a cause that’s close to your heart. Serving others is healing and fulfilling. You’ll learn something new about yourself, help someone in the process, and use your gifts, talents, and passions in new ways.
So settle sis. Settle in your S.I.N.G.L.E. And have fun with it! This is all part of the way you DateYourselfGirl!