It’s wedding season right, or at least it's supposed to be. But once again you’re seated looking at your name card on a silver satin table cloth, hoping you’re not the only single lady at the table. Then the beat drops and the DJ announces the wedding party. You cheer in excitement because you are genuinely happy for your friend, yet, there’s a tiny bit of sadness. There’s a part of you wondering why other people's connections lead to marriage while yours fizzle into friend zone, or better yet “Yeah we kicked it back in the day”. The question isn’t whether or not you’re datable, it’s can you tell the difference between chemistry and compatibility?
Chemistry is that initial rush at the beginning of the romance. It’s that passionate, quick, and irresistible feeling that is easy to confuse with compatibility.
While chemistry is what initially attracts you to someone, compatibility is looking beyond that initial stage of attraction and evaluating the way you align with someone else’s lifestyle choices and most of all--values. Chemistry and compatibility don’t always overlap. You might feel those passionate feelings of chemistry with someone yet ultimately lack compatibility.
However, compatibility is an essential part of an intimate and long-term partnership. Paying attention to how compatible you are with someone helps you decide if you want to be in a long-term relationship with them.
Let me break this down a little further….
You might feel chemistry when you have so much in common with someone that it gives you butterflies before dinner. You’re attracted to their physical appearance, their accomplishments, their career, or even the conversations you have with them.
"The feelings that come from chemistry are so strong that it’s easy to confuse chemistry with compatibility."
It’s common to feel most comfortable choosing partners based on chemistry. Having chemistry with someone else is exciting. But choosing partners only based on chemistry might cause you to overlook how compatible you are in the long run. This is the phase when you tolerate what may eventually turn into a deal breaker.
On the other hand, compatibility means evaluating how a person will fit into your everyday life and if there is long-term potential as a couple. "Compatibility means looking at if you align with a person, their lifestyle choices, and their values." Gauging compatibility starts with knowing what you want in a long-term partner.
Take this short quiz to help decide if you are compatible with someone else:
How does the person you’re dating deal with their feelings? How do they address and/or communicate their anger, stress, and sadness?
How does this person act when around their friends, family, or out in public?
What are the core values that guide this person’s life (such as marriage, children, politics, religion)? Do those values align with your own? If not, is that a deal breaker?
Does the person that you’re dating share the same goals you have set?
Plot twist, there’s no right or wrong answer. Determining whether or not you’re compatible with someone doesn’t mean that you deal with everything in the same way. It just means evaluating how well a person fits into your everyday life in the long run.
When you learn to ask yourself these questions about compatibility, you can build a relationship on shared values and deep mutual respect. Choosing a partner based on compatibility helps build a relationship that lasts through the hardest times.
Dating is tricky. Compatibility and chemistry don’t always go hand in hand. But by adding these things to your checklist along with tall, dark, spiritual, romantic, rich and handsome, you can probably figure it out.
There is mutual respect.
You accept your partner as they are and admire them for it. You don’t spend your time wishing they would do anything differently.
Your partner accepts you for who you are and doesn’t try to change you.
You and your partner uplift each other and validate each other’s perspective.
You share similar lifestyle choices and goals.
When you’re dating someone, it’s important to think about how well a person fits into your life. Gauging compatibility means digging deeper beyond initial attraction and surface-level interests.
Chemistry is what pulls two people together. Compatibility is what will help the relationship last when the initial spark fades and reality sets in.
When you learn to look for how compatible you are with someone else, you will have an easier time deciding whether or not you are a good match. And while you’re waiting, remember to DateYourselfGirl!