February usually brings about two types of feelings:
Love and Joy
Dread and Despair
(There’s also the pride and magic of Black History Month, but honestly, we celebrating that all year and that’s that on that!)
Friend, if you’re in bucket number 2 for February…Yikes!
We need to change that! Here’s what we are going to do in 2022. We are going to stop allowing one day (yes, Valentine’s Day) to ruin our whole outlook on the second month of the year. To shift the narrative, we need to change our orientation. February is just as beautiful of a beginning as January was. At any point, you can make a commitment to yourself and in fact, I have 4 of them that you should think about holding yourself to:
1. Commit To Being Healthy
Sure, physically (work out and eat well to respect your body), but also mentally and emotionally. I will harp on this forever and ever more because I know what it did for me. I was holding on to some guilt and some shame, jealousy over friends’ relationships that seemed to be progressing, a bit of resentment, and unhealthy attachments related to some of the current and prior relationships/situationships I had been engaged in the past. Being single gave me the space to figure out what was going on and why those emotions kept showing up. It also gave me the ability to get rid of them to decide who I wanted to be, how I wanted to operate in relationships, and what I was willing to put up with versus what I wasn’t. The road isn’t easy on this one and the journey is continuous, but you will eventually start to feel lighter by doing this work.
I always advocate for therapy, but if that’s not for you, grab a journal and just start writing. Don’t know what to write? Just write, “I don’t know what to write” and let it flow from there. The truth will come out of your pen and you’ll start to analyze your patterns in a different way. It takes a while, so don’t expect overnight results. But getting started is the first step.
I remember sitting in my closet (that was my quiet space for about a year) at early o’clock every morning. I set up pillows and had a little container with journals, books, and writing utensils. I spent that time writing, reading, and praying. Learning myself, learning my habits, my patterns, my toxicity, naming where it came from, making the decision to actively change it, crying, bawling, H-E-A-L-I-N-G. Find your spot and do the work. And get the help if you need it.
2. Commit to Creating Space
You know the one who you just can’t seem to let go of, the one that keeps popping up “randomly”, or the one that you keep around that you can call whenever you won’t be lonely? Don’t look around…I’m talking to you sis. Most of us have had some variation of these partners. They’ve been around for a while now and if it hasn’t developed into anything, it’s time for them to scoot. Keeping them in your life is nothing more than keeping away the things you actually desire. Your energy and vibe just give something off when you won’t cut off loose ends. It screams, “I’ll take what I can get” and we just ain’t doing that no more! You deserve a life that doesn’t involve settling and you can’t get that by stringing along dead weight.
Let. It. Go.
Let. Them. Go.
3. Commit to Building The Life You Want
Almost everything you want in a relationship/marriage, you can have on your own. In the past, I heard women sharing things like, “I’m just going to stay in this place for now, but when I’m married we will get a house.” Aht aht! Ma’am! No! Quit putting qualifiers on the life you want. If the place you live in now is the place you love, by all means stay there…Decorate your heart out and go full blown HGTV style if that’s your jam. But if you want a house, go get you a house. Need to get your credit together or get your spending in check, then do that first. Do the things you want to do and bring even greater value into your future relationship.
And this doesn’t just apply to homeownership. It’s for anything. Travel to the places on your wishlist, explore and deep dive into your interests, spend money on your hobbies, treat yourself to beautiful things. Anything you want to do while in a relationship or married, you can start now. It shows you care about yourself and that makes you more attractive.
In 2021, I decided to get back to something I loved–reading. At face value, it’s not the most exciting hobby and it’s not expensive, especially if you enjoy libraries as much as I do. But prior to then, I wasn’t giving myself the time to indulge in it. I finally decided to (starting off small with just 10 mins a night) and I loved it. My boyfriend loves that I’m a reader too and admires my ability to stay up through the depths of the night wrapped up in a good book when otherwise I’m sleepy by 10:30pm! Taking the time to love it for me first allowed me to carry it into our relationship versus trying to start it up afterwards. We have our joint hobbies, but we also give each other space for our independent interests.
4. Commit to Staying Open
Lastly, if you want a partner, never stop being open. Now, this doesn’t mean go on every single date that comes your way because you have discernment and should use it! But stay open. You can go out with someone that doesn’t match who you thought you’d be with. You can say yes to someone who at first glance, doesn’t match your typical type. You can go out with an acquaintance that you’ve known for a long time to see if it develops into something else.
Stop putting pressure on the first date of trying to decide if that person is marriage material and instead, just set an intention to have fun. Believe it or not, you don’t have to play 20 Questions on the first day. You can look for subtle signs. How you two flow, what the conversation is like, whether or not you’re enjoying their company. Maybe they will prove themself to be your long-term partner, but maybe they won’t. And you aren’t wasting time if you’re upfront with them once you know they aren’t it. Dating is simply spending time together to see if you want to continue spending time together.
These Love Resolutions aren’t the cure all and I’m definitely not saying that once you do these things, the perfect person will come your way. What I am saying is that YOU deserve to live a life of love and that starts with you. So go ahead boo, DateYourselfGirl!