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Why Are You Single?


Well, it's the last month of the year and I am so excited to see what this next year will bring. What I'm not excited about is all the questions I will have to answer at the family functions. Le sigh! The most dreaded questions of all is, "Why are you single?" I have been asked this question a thousand times but recently a man text me this question and I was very honest with him. Bottom line is I have great expectations for my potential mate but the reality is that to some men those expectations feel like work...hard work! I have finally come to realize that my "singledom"is the price I am willing to pay for standing firm on what I desire from a suitor. Here's a list of reasons why I believe I am single and won't settle for anything less:

  1. Consistency-Being consistent is huge for me and in this world of dating I have found that consistency seems to have an expiration date. As you get older, we have to be intentional about remaining consistent with our love interests. From communication to dating to doing thoughtful gestures, they all require one to be purposeful. Once you get out of the consistency routine the relationship begins to come to a halt. Consistency, in relationships, requires one to be effort-full. Think of it this way, if you don't water your plants consistently they will eventually die. It's the same in relationships, you have to water them in order for them to thrive.

  2. Effective Communication-Being an effective communicator is key and I’m not just talking about having frivolous conversations. I’m talking about having the difficult ones. We must be able to talk about our finances & financial goals, political views, religious beliefs, our triggers etc. I'm also referencing how one speaks to me. A person's tone and delivery is important especially when things get tough. I don't want a man to walk on eggshells around me but I do expect their tone to be gentle. There's no need to raise your voice or be condescending. We are adults and should be able to communicate with respect. Another part of the being an effective communicator is actually hearing from them. I know we live in this world of texting and social media but I need to hear from my mate daily. I believe talking is the greatest form of intimacy because you get the chance to know someone without being physical. You can get deeper by asking questions and getting to know each others likes and dislikes. AND you get to hear what makes them laugh or smile and that bring you both joy. And who couldn't use more joy in their life?

  3. Good Listening Skills- Being a good listener is the other half of being an effective communicator. I desire someone who can listen and actually take in what it is I'm saying. I want someone who pays attention to the details. We tell people what we like and don't like they just have to listen closely to us when we are being open and vulnerable. You will learn so much about a person if you just simply listen to hear.

  4. Compromise without Compromising Self-People say that they are great compromisers but I’ve witnessed in their compromising their attitude and demeanor can get a little negative. What do I mean by that? Well I don’t want someone to compromise for me and have a negative energy about it. You either want to do it because it’s gonna make both of us happier or don’t do it at all. If you do something out of obligation it only breeds resentment, which isn't healthy for either party involved. Resentment becomes a breeding ground for negative energy.

  5. Accountability-I believe in accountability. It establishes trust in a relationship. When a person can hold themselves accountable to their actions it means they are self aware and are open to working on the behaviors that may be causing issues. Accountability can save a lot of relationships but we must be willing to take our egos out of the equation.

  6. Travel Much-Not only do I like to travel for fun but I travel a lot, and in my profession, sometimes at the drop of a dime. So whomever I’m with is going to have to be able to adjust to my unpredictable schedule. And if I’m working out of town, it may require me to be gone for extended periods of time. So whomever I’m with is going to have to have the discipline to be faithful and understand that he may have to travel to me. A lot of people don’t understand the demands of my craft. On the outside looking in it appears to be this glamorous thing but it is not. It's hard work and sometimes that work takes us away from home so our mate will need to be steadfast, secure, and supportive.

  7. Good Energy-I am very outgoing and I desire a person who is also outgoing. They don't have to be the life of the party, per se', but I want someone who is going to get along with my friends and mesh well in different environments. I’m around a lot of different types of people from industry professionals to educators to coaches to athletes and the man that I bring around must be able to blend in and hold his own. There's nothing worse than having someone around who brings bad energy to the room. You know the type. The guy who stands in the corner with his arms crossed, not engaging with others. They guy who's always looking at his watch making you feel rushed. They guy who doesn't know how to read the room and speaks his mind without a filter. I don't know about you but I want to be confident in my mate, not embarrassed by him.

  8. Spontaneity-Being spontaneous is the ingredient to an exciting relationship. I want someone who is going to want to travel to different places, experience different things, and have a positive attitude about those experiences. I love trying new hobbies, new foods, new cities and I desire someone who is at least willing to do the same. I don't want to fall into a routine of sameness because that's where relationships lose their luster.

  9. RED FLAGS-More importantly, I have been single for a long time because I no longer stick around for the red flags. There was a time where I would give a man the benefit of the doubt for months or years even. I'd be waiting for them to right their wrongs, make some much needed improvements with no luck of being able to sustain it. Now, when I see a red flag(s), I notate and address them with that person and if there is no consistent effort, I bounce. I no longer have time to waste. I'm no Spring chicken and time cannot be returned to us. I have wasted way too much time on dead end "situationships" and I don't want to continue making that mistake. I'm ready to meet my compatibility partner...my person...so when the red flags are blaring I have to choose my long term happiness.

  10. Willingness to Seek Counsel-I am in counseling and believe that therapy is a great tool for holding myself accountable. Therapy has helped me to recognize my flaws and behaviors that may have aided in some of my failed relationships. It's also helped me to unpack some hidden traumas. I desire my partner to do the same. I want them to be able to identify those things that may cause detriment to the relationship and be willing to work on them...together. There's nothing wrong with admitting where you are flawed because we all have them. The flaw is not acknowledging and correcting them!

Here's the thing, I don’t get in relationships often. I have had three boyfriends in my life...maybe four. The rest have simply been men that I have spent time with, some longer than others, but for the most part they did not exhibit the kind of characteristics that I desire in a mate. I want to be emotionally provided for and if he can provide financially that’s the icing on the cake. But let's be clear, the money isn't going to impress me (because I have my own money) and money is fleeting. One minute you got it and the next you don't. I also want to feel protected and secure that the relationship is solid. I want to be with someone who is considerate and thoughtful and loving and honest. And lastly, I want to be with someone I can reciprocate energy that aligns with mine. Alignment is key in the sustainability of a healthy relationship. So with all that said I know it is going to take an amazing man to get me to consider being in a relationship again. I AM hopeful though and I want YOU to be hopeful, as well. But as we wait on that lucky mate to appear I want you to remember to DateYourselfGirl!



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